


Not Good Enough

by fangirlingovermishacollins



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Adorable, Destiel - Freeform, First Kiss, Fluffy, Love Confessions, M/M, Repressed Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-24
Updated: 2017-03-24
Packaged: 2018-10-05 04:36:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10297646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirlingovermishacollins/pseuds/fangirlingovermishacollins
Summary: Dean loves Cas, but insists they can't do anything about it.





	

"I love you."

For a moment, Cas was stunned. He could just stand there, trying to process what he had just heard. Dean had just confessed to being in love with him. "Excuse me?" he asked, almost in disbelief.

"What are you, deaf? I said that I loved you, you son of a bitch. I'm not saying it again." Dean sighed. "Look, it's not like anything can happen anyway, so whatever, just forget about it."

"Why not, Dean? You haven't even considered the possiblity that I return your feelings, yet you're insisting on remaining this way? You aren't making much sense."

"Don't need to, okay? Nothing's gonna make me suddenly decide to change my mind, so that's it. Just don't bring it up." Dean started to walk away, but a hand gripped his wrist, and he couldn't leave. "Let me go, goddamnit."

"I don't think so, Dean. You're talking to me about this. I would like to know why nothing can change between us, especially since you confessed your love for me. And I believe you will talk, or you won't get to leave." Cas forcefully led him over to a table, waiting for him to sit.

"You want to know why?" Dean sighed. "Fine." His answer didn't stop Cas from watching him, waiting. 

"You used to be an angel, right? I mean, yeah, you're human now or whatever, but that still doesn't change what you were." Dean took a moment to catch his breath, like if he didn't say it now, he never would. Or maybe he just wanted to get this over with. "I'm just some alcohol-dependent, screwed up person, who can't even keep a relationship to save his life.

"If we do this- thing, you know- I won't be able to keep it going, and it'll just end badly. Not good, okay? Not when we can't risk it like this, and what about the demons and shit? They'll use us against each other, you know it."

He didn't bother saying anything else, even though there was still more he was thinking of and not saying.

"We've kept whatever kind of relationship we have hidden for years already." Cas frowned, watching Dean. "There's something else, and you and I both know it."

"Fuck it, okay? I answered your damn question. Let me go already." Dean got up to walk away again, and Cas didn't stop him this time, even though Dean could feel his eyes on him.

\-------------------------

Sam had been out getting food when they'd been having their conversation, so he didn't know what to think when he arrived back at the bunker and saw Cas sitting by himself, looking distracted and a little hurt, maybe even confused.

"You okay?" he asked, setting the fast food bag on the table.

"I don't think so, Sam, but thank you for asking." Cas pulled the bag closer, taking out one of the three burgers Sam had picked up.

"Want to talk about it?" Sam asked. "I mean, you don't have to, but..." he trailed off. 

"Thank you, Sam. It would help more if you talked to Dean, though. He refuses to tell me anything." Cas took a bite of his burger. "Would you mind doing that?"

"Something happened?" Cas nodded. "What?"

"Dean admitted to being in love with me, although he insists that nothing can occur to change anything between us. While he did explain, I got the feeling he wasn't entirely being honest with me, but he wouldn't say anything else."

"Cas, if he won't say anything to you, he won't tell me anything either." Sam sighed. "Sorry. Is there anything else I could do, though?"

"No, thank you, though. I'll keep trying to talk to him, however, perhaps he will talk, if we give him time." Cas didn't like the prospect of having to wait, though. Sam could tell, too, but didn't say anything.

\---------------

The next time Cas ended up seeing Dean was just a few hours later. The hunter was finally out of his room, but was avoiding the former angel in a way that was almost too obvious.

"Really, Dean? You're just going to ignore him now?" Sam asked, talking to him in a low voice so Cas wouldn't hear. Either he couldn't or he was pretending not to.

"It's not your problem, Sammy, okay? You know, you don't always get along with someone, either." Dean sighed. "If it matters this much, you'll just let whatever happens happen, because I ain't apologizing for telling the truth."

"Seriously, Dean? I'm pretty sure you weren't exactly honest with the guy. Even he knows you weren't telling him everything." 

"Yeah, well, you try telling the person you've loved for nearly eight freaking years that you love them, okay, and then because you have so damn many reasons to not get into a relationship with them, you can't ruin what you've already gotten with them, and it's just complicated, okay?" Dean was already starting to walk away from Sam. "That's what the problem is, and that's why I can't get into it with him."

"Dean, he looked almost hurt when I saw him." 

There was no answer.

\-----------------

Dean had already gone back to his room, a beer close by. He hated to admit it, but Sam had been right. He hadn't really told Cas the truth, and Sam had made him feel so much guiltier about it. 

He never should have just gone and confessed like that, especially when this is what he got out of it: a hurt, confused ex-angel who was barely looking him in the eye now, and a brother who was just making him feel worse.

Some part of him still didn't regret doing it, though. He felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders when he said it. He had been hiding it for too long, anyway. For years, he'd been stuck just thinking about Cas and the blue of his eyes, and the smile he had always loved, and the way his hugs made him feel so much better.

"Goddamnit," he said to himself. He sipped the beer, hoping to just forget about his problems for a night, but he couldn't get Cas out of his mind. In fact, the beer seemed to make it worse. He finally fell asleep, though, almost wishing he could stay that way.

He did wake up, though, to the smell of breakfast. There was a plate on the table next to his bed, with bacon, eggs, and an empty spot that almost looked like it was waiting for something to be put there. A bagel, maybe.

"I see you're awake." If the food hadn't woken him up enough, the sound of Cas's voice was more than enough to make him sit up straight in bed. "I offered to take this to you, although Sam volunteered. He's out getting donuts right now." He still wasn't looking right at Dean, instead, it was like he were looking at something close by him.

"Thanks," he said, voice suddenly softer and more sincere. "Still, you already did your thing, so what the hell are you still doing here? Let me eat in peace." He sounded more grumpy now, looking at the food instead of Cas.

"I assumed it would be an appropriate time to talk. However, if it isn't, I can come back later."

"Later. Now get out." Dean finally turned to the plate, starting to eat, and Cas sighed, turning to leave.

\--------------------

Nothing happened for a few days, and normally, Cas would enjoy the time, but now, he found it impossible. Dean was still ignoring him, and no matter what Cas tried, he wouldn't even look at him. 

At least, not when Cas was paying attention. Whenever he looked away, Dean would always find himself watching him, noticing just about everyting he could. He was glad Cas was so oblivious, or else he would have been caught a long time ago.

One night, Dean found himself watching Cas as the former angel sat on a couch, watching a movie. It was an action movie, with lots of violence and death. Even though he could sometimes relate to it a little too much, he still called it one of his favorites. 

Almost as if he could tell Dean was watching him, Cas looked over, smiling slightly. He looked like he were enjoying the movie. "Would you like to watch with me, Dean?" he asked, smiling just a little more. It looked like he were hopeful, although he was a little unsure too.

"Depends." Dean tried not to look too interested, but he let his gaze flicker over to the screen anyway. "I'm supposed to be ignoring you, damnit."

"I apologize, but I assumed you enjoyed this movie. You told me so. I didn't like the idea that you would be left out, so I made an offer." Cas looked to the movie, then back at Dean.

"I can't, okay? I don't give a crap about whether or not I like a damn movie, I can watch it myself later, but no way am I sitting through it with you, when I can barely control myself around you."

"Is this about your loving feelings toward me?" Cas looked confused. "I still don't fully understand why you can't be honest about your reasoning-"

"You want a reason? I'll tell you why if you'll leave me the hell alone and stop asking about it, for fuck's sake." Dean didn't even wait for an answer. "I can't afford to get all emotional for my best friend, okay? Not when everyone I've ever loved in some goddamn way gets hurt. Or even used against me. You aren't about to make it onto the already too damn long list of people who get hurt, or even killed, because of me. Not only that, but you deserve more than what I can give you. Damnit, you deserve so much more than an alcohol-dependent, self-hating dick who can't even keep a relationship going."

Dean was quiet now, the movie being the only sound. He seemed just a little out of breath from speaking so fast. Cas was looking at him, confused now, never even taking a moment to look at the screen. "You're saying I'm too good for you, Dean? I cannot see how you would think anything like that."

"Open your eyes, goddamnit. I'd just bring you down, I mean, your dick angel buddies would go after me if we even started this relationship bullshit."

"I would keep them away from you, Dean, except they wouldn't do anything of the sort. I am human now, which means they have no reason to target you." 

"Whatever." Dean looked away from Cas now. 

"Have you even considered my feelings, Dean? Have you possibly thought that I may love you back, returning your feelings? Perhaps this is getting to me like it is getting to you. Dean, if you told me you loved me again, this time without rushing and not letting me speak, I would tell you I felt the same way. However, you won't. Even now, Dean, with us being safe right here and the gaurantee that nothing will happen to endanger either of us, you won't."

"It won't stay this way, I mean, there's gonna be demons no matter what." Dean tried to get away, but Cas wouldn't let him. "They won't take sympathy on me for having emotions for you, you know. They'll kill you to see my reaction." 

"Nevertheless, Dean, if you said you loved me, I will say it right back, without hesitation. If you said it, and meant it, I will gaurantee nothing will happen to you. Nobody will die, nothing will take me away from you, and we will be safe and free of worries. All you have to do is confess that you are in love with me, and unlike before, the outcome will be quite different."

Dean sighed. "I just want to watch this in peace, so if you're staying, shut up." Dean sat on the end of the couch, away from Cas. For the next hour, they stared at the screen, neither of them saying a word.

\---------------------------

Sam was driving this time, even though Dean insisted he do it. 

Dean and Cas shared the backseat, which unfortunately meant they were closer than Dean wanted to be. Cas ignored him, looking out the window most of the time, but Dean still knew he hadn't forgotten what had happened. 

He was getting to the point where he just wanted to say "I love you" again. He was so close, it seemed like he could just say it, and things would be okay. 

Dean couldn't stop himself from looking at Cas every now and then, more than he cared to admit, and it wasn't helping. Now, he just made it worse by noticing the blue of his eyes, the way his lips always looked chapped yet still soft, and his messy dark hair that turned him from "Cas" to "Sexy Cas." It was torture.

He managed to get his attention, just barely. It was enough though, and Dean was relieved. He could only mouth the words, and it was dark, but with Sam right there, it was all he could do. "I love you," he finally admitted, lips just barely moving. He was completely silent, but Cas knew.

"Sam," he said suddenly, "would you mind getting gas? I believe we're running low." A gas station was right nearby, along with a small food store. Luckily, Cas was right: they were low on gas. "Also, perhaps pick up some food? It's been an unusually long drive." He took the quickest moment to glance over at Dean.

"Really? We're almost back." Sam did pull over, though. Cas sighed, saying, "Yes, really, Sam. We'll wait here." Sam just nodded, getting out. As soon as he was out of sight, Cas turned to Dean.

"Say it again. Out loud." The lighting from the gas station was enough to see his entire face. "Please," he added at the end, as if it would do anything.

"I love you." Finally, after Dean said it, Cas smiled. He scooted over, getting closer, and said to Dean, "And I love you, Dean. More than you know. You have become everything to me."

"Shut up," Dean insisted, but he was smiling too. "Now get over here, goddamnit."

"I was waiting for you to say that for far too long." Cas's smile grew even more, if possible. Dean reached out, lightly holding his chin, and used a finger to trace his lower lip. Just by that one touch, Dean knew he had been right about them: they were soft.

"Why aren't you kissing me yet?" Cas asked, barely moving his mouth. Dean didn't say anything, and just kissed him after a few long seconds. 

It felt better than either of them thought it would. The kiss was sweet, gentle, loving, and passionate all at once. Their hands almost immediately went to each other's bodies, holding each other's waists, tangling in each other's hair. Their lips moved against each other so naturally that there wasn't even any thinking required. There was just them, kissing.

Neither of them wanted to pull apart just yet, especially not Dean. Cas ended up slowly backing away, looking over at him sympathetically when Dean sighed out loud. They took time to catch their breaths, unable to stop looking at one another. "I wouldn't mind making that happen again," Cas said after about a minute.

"I agree with you there," Dean said back, already leaning in for another kiss. Cas met him halfway this time, practically throwing himself right into Dean's lap. Dean laughed in between kisses, saying, "It's just hard to believe this is happening, you know? We're here, and you actually love me, and it's just kinda unexpected."

"Get used to it, Dean, because I have no intentions of stopping. I have already loved you for years." Cas ran his hand along Dean's arm, gripping his hand when he got to the bottom. "I can only hope you will not stop loving me, Dean. And about what you said the other day, about you not being good enough for me? I sincerely hope you will one day see just how good you really are."

"Maybe I will, but," Dean said, sitting closer to him, "I may need you there with me, so you better stick around."

"It would take more than death to take me away from you."

Dean placed his othe hand on top of their already -holding ones. He moved it just moments later, cupping the ex-angel's cheek. They slowly leaned forward, eyes just starting to shut, when Sam returned. 

"Dean? Cas?" he said suddenly, and Dean backed away like he hadn't just been about to kiss Cas again. Seeing his hurt expression, Dean gave his hand a quick squeeze, making him smile. "What the- were you two making out?"

"Got a problem with it, Sammy?" Dean asked, like it was no big deal he and his best friend, now boyfriend, went from the silent treatment to happy couple in such a short time.

"No, just," Sam paused. "How did this happen?" He looked happy for them, though, even if he sounded differently.

"He decided to give us a chance, Sam. I can assure you, I have no bad intentions. I am very much in love with him." Cas smiled at Dean, and Sam saw the way his whole face changed when he looked at him. He looked happier, softer even.

"Okay, great, guys. Let's just get back home so I can sleep, okay?" Sam climbed into the front seat. He smiled to himself, as he started the car. 

He pretended not to notice Dean and Cas holding hands in the backseat.


End file.
